Often, I get asked about what type of computer I have. I don’t have a dell or anything that comes like AS IS straight outta Best Buy. In fact, my mother and father purchased my first computer when I was 4. It set me up to be the monster that I am now. So when I hit college, I got a compaq for real cheap. And had it for a long time. It was slow. Only had a pentium 3 processor. And a 3 gig hard drive. I was po’. But I was po’ before college. I was really po’ during college. I’m still po…well I bought the OR. Ha! The compaq did it’s job. I even used it to record music!

So one day something went wrong with Sleaze’s computer, a compaq also, and he asked if I could fix it. Not one to turn down a challenge to tinker with some machinery, I replied, “Hell yeah I can fix it.” I failed at that. It needed something that I wouldn’t delve into until I few years later. Wait There's More

I was checking out a forum. And a member asked a question something to the effect of, “You ever wanted somebody/something so bad, but you just couldn’t have them/it?”

Hell yeah. And this is what I recalled in the auto-biographic novel e-book ZLRMNTLTY: Holy Digital Weaponry

Every weekday, I’d see her. My chocolate goddess. 1:21pm. But everyday, I was too late to catch her. She’d hop in her ride and speed away before I could catch her. But not this day dammit. July 21st would be different. I swear. I knew it was a good day because momma cooked the breakfast with no hog.

I saw her from across the street!

But she was moving so damn fast. I had to react quickly. 90 degree heat makes a man act outside of himself. I step across the concrete weaving through traffic. Tunnel vision. Milliseconds from being crushed by delivery trucks and commuters. Onlookers gasp at the man who dares to stare death in the face and guffaw. Hearty guffaws. I dare not stare death in the face. He only wastes my time. My mind was on my chocolate goddess. Life is meaningless without her today. Tires screech. Pigeons scatter. Teamsters bellow. My god, I was on today. I pick up pace. She will not escape me this day. I start my march. Legs pumping. This is history. And I am the myth. I scale the median like a hurdler…no sweat. The temperature rose another degree. If greek gods exist, they stopped ruling the earth to look at this foolish flesh risk life and limb for another mortal. Foolhardy maybe… However, if you don’t live for something you’d die for anything. I was losing her in my sights, so I had gain speed.

A brotha had to drop his suit jacket and chase after her.

My usual jovial attitude became a grimace. The hard, chiseled face of a man who’s seen wars. Who’s started ‘em and finished ‘em. And came out the only living survivor. Onlookers took notice. Pigeons turned to doves like a John Woo flick. Normality. We think of bills. Payments. Stress. But to me…at this very moment. My whole being was for one purpose…her.

Such a pretty young thang. I knew she was made just for me. Curved in all of the right areas. Made ya boy salivate. And all the men were looking at her. She giving them brothas shivers. Not me…

One guy yells out, “Forget her! Once you give her money, she’ll only be with you for 5minutes, tops!”

I shrugged him off and kept running…

Another guy yells out, “She got a stick up her ass son forget her!”

I shake my head, sweat beading. IM ON A MISSION!!

Another guy yells, “Get her zillaman!!”

My sprint game was phenomenal today! I deserved her.

The last guy yells, “She ain’t worth it!!!”

She glanced back at me as if she was saying, “if you want me, come get me.” And I wanted her. So badly. You could tell by her attire she was there for personal enjoyment. I didn’t care. I wanted her. Never wanted something so bad in my damn life!!! Why couldn’t I reach her! I kept running. Felt like I ran for damn near 20 minutes. My thighs were about to self-destruct. My calves were on fire. My lungs were about to collapse.

And I ran, I ran so far away… Ducking traffic cops and medical, city, and law professionals. Trying to keep focused, my mind starts to dream of the wonderful life we’d have together if I could just get to her.

I looked at my rollie it’s about that time. For her to escape. I saw her silhouette disappear amongst the haze.

“Dammit!” I thought. Was I too late? Did somebody else get to her. I slowed down my pace. And saw her in the arms of another man. His hands touching all over her french vanilla, butter pecan and chocolate deluxe.”

I had failed. Once again. I had tried so hard that day. My body is on fire. I collapse on the sidewalk in defeat. Crash…A single superthug tear rolled down my supermacho face. It evaporated in the heat before it reached me chin. Desolate…I would be alone. My battle-weary eyes struggled to see through the haze and glance at the victor. He looks over at me and sneers. And anger filled my veins…

Everyday…

This same feeling. I just wanted to win once. I slam my fist into the ground…damn near shattered my hand.

It’s now 1:23. And I wanted to choke this dude and I’m not a violent person. But there’s only so much that I could take. I gather my anger. I was gonna take what was mine.

This aint over!

At first I was just telling you a story. This is where I become a legend.

I get up. I’m not taking this nonsense anymore.

One knee. Then the other. I’m up on both feet. The heat had rose another 5 degrees. “Never give up!” An old man yells. There was a roar of applause. “Who the hell do he think he is!” I said silently to myself. That was my chocolate goddess. She belonged to me. A fire hydrant explodes in the background. I loosen my tie. “He’s messing with the wrong zillaman”, I recall in my mind. My heart fills with adrenaline. I rose. With one hand on my knee I push myself up. Renewed! DAMMIT! My blood started to boil. Ladies and gentlemen…sanity has just left the building.

I stepped up to the man. In his gaudy expensive suit. And his lofty $1500 shoes. He was about to look a whole lot cheaper after I was finished with him. My ire turned up a few notches when I saw my goddess wrapped around his fingers, yet…she was still pure. Not tainted or damaged. Her curves almost threw me off my focus…Almost. I regain. I can feel the fire burn in my eyes. I’m here baby. I AM HERE! … To settle this mess. She was waiting for her hero to destroy this zero. Destruction was imminent and the world knew it. The onlookers started to scatter because they did not want to be caught in the aftermath. Good choice. This…as they say…was going to get ugly.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. This is the second where this tale becomes legend and the boy gets his girl. I clinch my fist and summoned all of my might.

Papa Smurf, Hova (It’s The Roc!), Jeebus, Budda, Poseidon, Zeus, Hercules Hercules, and Optimus Prime smiled down upon me and lent me their strength. Rays of light shined down upon me like heaven had opened its gates for me. But I wasn’t the one who was going to die here. If heaven has a ghetto, I was going to send him to it! My fist was shaking. The power! This type of power could only be wielded by those who strike final blows for justice. For their people. This is what Chuck Norris uses when Walker Texas Ranger superkicks a foe through a glass window. This is what turbo boost is made from that Knight Rider uses to jump buildings. This is what Vin Deisel used to become an actor. I wouldn’t want to be the other the guy in the suit right now. I lunge forward. The cement cracks like in the movie Crouching Tiger (or some movie like that…) I dig deep. Really deep. My knuckles scrape the sidewalk. I uppercut this sucka. Windows in skyscrapers shatter. Manhole covers blew. Street lights shorted out! Tires melted. Birds combusted. Trees caught on fire! The Apocalypse was near and I was going to bring it live and in living color, straight to his FACE! He was out cold from the sheer force of my fist way before the knuckles even touched him. The knuckles were for proof that when he woke up he would feel that I was there.

With a loud “THWACK” that would’ve made John Wayne proud, the suit goes up, up and away for what seemed to be 20 feet in slow motion. A gust of wind sent his body a way. Parts of his body disintegrated! All of his body hair VAPORIZED! Later, TV6 News would report that nothing like this has happened to a person since Chenyoble. Thugs in DC said that they heard somebody get punched 20 seconds later. The Japanese heard it a few hours later. TV6 had also reported that when paramedics arrived on the scene that the man was on FIRE!!!!! His hands had no choice but to let go of my pursuit in mid air.

Ever so gently I grab her and with a 2nd wind, I dash with her in my arms back the way we came, disappearing into the haze. She sparkled. I was happy. I’ve won.

By the time the sucka had landed I was atleast 10 blocks away. ATLEAST! “Good job!” I says to myself.

The next day, I was off work. No clients. I needed some time to settle down. The clock ticked and tocked. And I sat in my solitary, depressed. The guys who were yelling to me was right… My goddess disappeared on me. Damn near 10 minutes after I saved her. I was wallowing in my own pity. One of the young men who yelled out to me earlier found my coat when I blazed by him with cheetah-like speed. He had found a business card in my coat pocket. He told me where I could meet him to get the jacket back.

So I met him. At Starbucks. I refused to show my face downtown so soon. I was sure that the crime scene was a mess. I had caused it. Iced Caramel Mochiatto please. Hmm…good.

He says, “Zillz, can I ask you a question?” A bewildered look grew over his face.

“Sure,” I respond. I didn’t care anymore. My goddess was gone. I had lived and now there was nothing to live for.

He asks, “Why did you punch the ice cream man in the face, and stole his ice cream cone?”

Then I explain to him how everyday the ice cream man would speed off when I would just be running up to the truck. And I wanted that Nutty Buddy something extra the day previous. But he was going to be extra bold to eat the last Nutty Buddy right there in front of me? Hell No! When I dashed, I ate it. Didn’t realize it until 10 minutes later.

“You’re crazy zillz!”

Just giving y’all an update on my Christmas shopping…

So stop with the, “Zillaman never gave me anything.” Or “He gets me the same gift every year.” It is what it is!

Yeah, Christmas is getting CLOSE! I’m looking for the HD DVD player and a passport. Get at me!

* = [||]

The iNTERNETS CELEBRITY goes to a Mets game and hustles his own ticket. I still don’t know what a Met is.

Where were YOU? I’ll tell you where I was. In the laid-back state of North Carolina. Wish you were there. For THREE whole days Sleaze, McMeezy, and I galavanted between VA and NC. Friday night was at Gous’s place. Saturday was for a Family Reunion. Seriously I think for a planned weekend, I spent $200! And half of that was spent on my shoe vice (a very nice pair of Steve Maddens, casual). The rest was fuel and for the rental Magnum. I can’t really get into the gory deets but I will give a summary report. Unfortunately due to scheduling conflicts and poor weather on Sunday, we were unable to meetup with Mallzini. But guess what, I plan on doing this AGAIN! Very soon… How soon? Memorial Day weekend. Who’s riding with me?

That little vacation is what I really needed. Some thoughts:
1. In-dash navigation is the BEST thing since slice bread.
2. I need to bring the xbox or gamecube next time.
3. We only paid for 1 meal the whole trip and that was at Shoney’s breakfast buffet. And of course gas.
4. Trailer parks have good booze.
5. Sleaze’s attract free weed.
6. I love my cousins.
7. Denny’s still sucks.
8. Shoney’s is still the shit.
9. In some states I’m considered an Internet Celebrity. Who knew?
10. Never keep photos where your hands are ashy.